My Aunt

Ever since I started writing this blog; I never thought that I will write a Eulogy. But today some one close enough to heart (though Miles apart) left and made me write it.

She was an almost no body. All her life she stayed like that. She was born in an old 3 level brick house in late forties. One out of the 10 children that were born to same parents. Neither the youngest, nor the oldest, neither the smartest nor the dumbest, neither the best looking and nor the worst. She was there all the time, her presence never too imposing.

This day after more than 60 years she left the house she was born in forever.  And not only she left the house, she left the whole world and finally moved on. Everyone knows she went to heaven, not just because she was too good; but also because she had suffered enough over last many years and God being unprejudiced to everyone  cannot possibly take her away from her daily suffering to any suffering of any kind. She is surely somewhere very peaceful, sleeping on a silken bed with flowers neatly placed in vases around, and her head resting on the pillows filled with soft feathers. Because she deserves it; she deserves a peaceful sleep.

She was one of my aunts, my mother’s younger sister. I didn’t even know her well till I was in mid-twenties, in spite of meeting her every summer vacation and every winter vacation of my schooling years. And all thanks to her personality, she never appeared like a person that some would like to know a lot about. May be that was the reason that she stayed single all her life or may be the reason was her assumed Son (not adopted, just assumed that this kid was her son). In my mid-twenties I was working in that town and as that was the ancestral house where mom had grown up so I lived there with her and my uncle and her assumed son. Those years were the time when I really started knowing her. She had some strange behavior traits but deep inside she was extremely caring, especially for her assumed son. And also I started getting a good share of that care after a few months of being in that house. I still remember her referring to me as her elder son whom she could trust and depend upon. And as long as I was there I respected and loved her in the same way.

But that was almost 15 years ago. I last met her couple of years ago when she was weak, tired, extremely sick and thin like a fine layer of flesh on a skeleton. My heart cried, and I asked what has she done to her, with a smile she said that she will be fine. And then she thanked me for meeting her; “son, don’t know if I will see you again, but I am happy that you came to see me after so many years.” Were her last words while I was leaving. Now that I was planning my trip to India after two years, I was confident of proving her wrong, but she spun it around.

Sad thing she was very lonely for last many years. Suffering for years; almost alone. I wish there was some way to re-write her last few years. She was not a saint and not a social worker. She was just a common lady, with hopes, dreams, love, care and all that what makes a common person somewhat special for his or her loved ones. Sadly she didn’t have anyone whom she could impose her loving authority on. So one by one everyone moved on and she was left in that house, the same house where she was born.

Don’t know what to say, and don’t know if it will mean anything now, but I want to honestly tell you Raj Massi that I really missed you and always thought of you hoped and prayed for things to get better for you. Now that you are gone, I miss you more; knowing that I will not be able to hear your voice ever and so I think that I should have called you and spoken with you from time to time. But all that doesn’t mean anything now.

I remember one evening in Dalhousie (mid-eighties), when we were going for a dinner (don’t remember if it was called the Thandi sadak or Garam Sadak); you and three of us little boys, me my brother and your assumed son. All three of us were scared as it was dark, but all three of us were confident because you were with us.

Now that you are on your Journey all by yourself, I hope that you have that hand to hold which will take you to the right place safe and I hope that you rest well. You need it.

Miss you!!

कशम्कश

Another Poem don’t know why these words came to mind; not sure if it conveyed a part of the thoughts that translated into the words below!

ज़िन्दगी कशम्कश मुसल्सल 

फिर भी  दिखती हसीं  है 

जितना भी मिल जाये, लगे 

कुछ तो कमी है 

 तपती जमीं पे हों पैर नंगे तो,

आसमां की ओर देखूं 

चलूँ बादलों पे जब मै, लगे 

बादल भी जमीं हैं । 

ख्वाहिशें पीढ़ियों पहले से

दम निकालती रही 

हज़ार हासिल भी हों ग़र तो 

लाख और बनी हैं 

तेज़ी की चाह की  इजाद है 

जो जुम्बिश हो महसूस 

अपनी रफ़्तार से चलती गाड़ी  

कहाँ पटरी से हिली है?

ज़िन्दगी कशम्कश मुसल्सल 

फिर भी  दिखती हसीं है 

जितना भी मिल जाये, लगे 

कुछ तो कमी है 

TETRIS - the game of tiles

Note: Though I wrote the below piece but unlike my other writings, this was not my thought. This is my elder brother’s wisdom that I tried to pen down as I felt the power of his message and wanted to share. Thanks bhai; hope I did justice to the awesome thoughts that you had shared with me. Read and let me know. - Nikhil

If you were a school going kid in the eighties (or even nineties) I am sure you would have played the famous game of Tetris (The Tile matching video game). Tetris after it was first introduced in mid-eighties has travelled from computers to big video game consoles in the game parlors to the home TV game consoles to early age cell phones and various other hand held devices including the present day smart phones. After many years, many versions and millions of users Tetris still stays one of the top video games of all time. ß FACT

Think of an end-less play at the game of Tetris. All you do is move the tiles rotate them, flip them move them and make them fit well in to each other. The tiles varying in sizes and shapes and the appendages they have. Some easier to fit well and some not so easy and then there are those stubborn ones that will just not agree to adjust with the others and stay in a way that they edge out one of those unyielding extremities. Leaving behind those unfilled; open spaces. The art is to fit all those tiles in their right place, and when they do, the whole line dissolves thus leaving room for more and the game continues and continues the fun.

A never ending game of Tetris; this is how our brain functions. The tiles are replaced by the thoughts. Those, thoughts which bloom out of the prolific land of situations.  Thoughts; like the tiles come in various shapes and sizes and different feels to them.

The positive thoughts usually are easy to settle and fit well with the others in perfect harmony. Thus disappearing from the screen of being soon after they are settled, leaving room for more to be created and sent to the center stage where the game is being played every day and every moment. And then there are the odd ones, usually negative; disturbing thoughts, with annoying appendages. Even at times having sharp and damaging edges. Those edges disturb the harmony and stop the entire line from being settled and also make it difficult for the future positive thoughts to stabilize. No wonder these are commonly called the unsettling thoughts.

Bring the tetris image in mind again, the tiles are falling and settling and then comes this stubborn tile with a nasty edge that stuck out and then came a bunch of good easy to fit pieces, but that nasty edge ensured that the easy ones also do not fit right and leaves an open space; a void somewhere in the middle.  If you are a weak player then you will be upset with that edge and then with the void that before you know the space above will start filling with more pieces; even the not so difficult ones just piling up and not resolving. And more it piles up the less space and less time you get to adjust the next pieces and before you know the game is over.

However for a resilient player; one with the never say die attitude. The problem with one nasty edge just stays as one isolated problem. The player becomes more vigilant; more alert even aggressive to ensure that the void is not build and even if build, it stays close to the top ensuring that the pieces coming next are smoothened while the player waits for that rare moment; that rare piece and that super move when the rare piece will be made to fit on the void reconciling what was the nasty stubborn edge in the past.

Move back to the tetris played every moment in the mind. The same rules apply. One unresolved thought can stay as one unresolved thought as long as the mind stays alert to try and isolate the one nasty edge. At the same time ensuring that all the new situations are dealt with a heightened alertness never letting the void be pushed to the bottom and other edges to raise their nasty heads. And when you are vigilant enough and stay persistent with that alertness; that magic piece; that magic moment that magic solution comes which clears the deadlock, fills the void and puts you back in the game which is enjoyable and challenging.

Having in a deadlock lately letting the space above be filled with new ugly edges that could have been resolved relatively easily; I started the day waiting for the space to be filled up and I play the victim of situation (not even knowing what was happening). And then I received the divine voice through my brother. Who just shared his Tetris vs thoughts concept with me as a thing he had been pondering on. Little did he know the power that his idea gave me; in showing me the situation that I was pulling myself in. the idea had immense power; especially when he said “when you start playing it wrong very quickly you rush to the sign saying -game Over.’’

I looked in my mind at that nasty situation edging its ugly head out and then the other not so important items that had grown into edges and voids just gaining strength from that one nasty item. And that is when I felt very close to the Game Over sign. But the good news; when you acknowledge the problem it becomes easier to resolve it. Though I have not been able to clear most of the edges and voids form past few days since this morning, but there have been no new ones that I let develop today. Now I feel confident and alert and playing with a clear mind. Those magic pieces and magic moments and magic moves are somewhere in the game to come, all I have do is to keep the game going till all those are brought upon to me.

Think and believe it or not the game of Tetris is going on in the mind, the sooner you acknowledge and start consciously playing, the higher is the chance to win. And believe me conscious play makes it so much fun.

PS: Big Brother there is a reason that you are “the Big Brother” and you give the proof of the same when you float ideas and thoughts so potent yet you state them in such matter of fact way that it is pure Zen!!!