My Aunt

Ever since I started writing this blog; I never thought that I will write a Eulogy. But today some one close enough to heart (though Miles apart) left and made me write it.

She was an almost no body. All her life she stayed like that. She was born in an old 3 level brick house in late forties. One out of the 10 children that were born to same parents. Neither the youngest, nor the oldest, neither the smartest nor the dumbest, neither the best looking and nor the worst. She was there all the time, her presence never too imposing.

This day after more than 60 years she left the house she was born in forever.  And not only she left the house, she left the whole world and finally moved on. Everyone knows she went to heaven, not just because she was too good; but also because she had suffered enough over last many years and God being unprejudiced to everyone  cannot possibly take her away from her daily suffering to any suffering of any kind. She is surely somewhere very peaceful, sleeping on a silken bed with flowers neatly placed in vases around, and her head resting on the pillows filled with soft feathers. Because she deserves it; she deserves a peaceful sleep.

She was one of my aunts, my mother’s younger sister. I didn’t even know her well till I was in mid-twenties, in spite of meeting her every summer vacation and every winter vacation of my schooling years. And all thanks to her personality, she never appeared like a person that some would like to know a lot about. May be that was the reason that she stayed single all her life or may be the reason was her assumed Son (not adopted, just assumed that this kid was her son). In my mid-twenties I was working in that town and as that was the ancestral house where mom had grown up so I lived there with her and my uncle and her assumed son. Those years were the time when I really started knowing her. She had some strange behavior traits but deep inside she was extremely caring, especially for her assumed son. And also I started getting a good share of that care after a few months of being in that house. I still remember her referring to me as her elder son whom she could trust and depend upon. And as long as I was there I respected and loved her in the same way.

But that was almost 15 years ago. I last met her couple of years ago when she was weak, tired, extremely sick and thin like a fine layer of flesh on a skeleton. My heart cried, and I asked what has she done to her, with a smile she said that she will be fine. And then she thanked me for meeting her; “son, don’t know if I will see you again, but I am happy that you came to see me after so many years.” Were her last words while I was leaving. Now that I was planning my trip to India after two years, I was confident of proving her wrong, but she spun it around.

Sad thing she was very lonely for last many years. Suffering for years; almost alone. I wish there was some way to re-write her last few years. She was not a saint and not a social worker. She was just a common lady, with hopes, dreams, love, care and all that what makes a common person somewhat special for his or her loved ones. Sadly she didn’t have anyone whom she could impose her loving authority on. So one by one everyone moved on and she was left in that house, the same house where she was born.

Don’t know what to say, and don’t know if it will mean anything now, but I want to honestly tell you Raj Massi that I really missed you and always thought of you hoped and prayed for things to get better for you. Now that you are gone, I miss you more; knowing that I will not be able to hear your voice ever and so I think that I should have called you and spoken with you from time to time. But all that doesn’t mean anything now.

I remember one evening in Dalhousie (mid-eighties), when we were going for a dinner (don’t remember if it was called the Thandi sadak or Garam Sadak); you and three of us little boys, me my brother and your assumed son. All three of us were scared as it was dark, but all three of us were confident because you were with us.

Now that you are on your Journey all by yourself, I hope that you have that hand to hold which will take you to the right place safe and I hope that you rest well. You need it.

Miss you!!

कशम्कश

Another Poem don’t know why these words came to mind; not sure if it conveyed a part of the thoughts that translated into the words below!

ज़िन्दगी कशम्कश मुसल्सल 

फिर भी  दिखती हसीं  है 

जितना भी मिल जाये, लगे 

कुछ तो कमी है 

 तपती जमीं पे हों पैर नंगे तो,

आसमां की ओर देखूं 

चलूँ बादलों पे जब मै, लगे 

बादल भी जमीं हैं । 

ख्वाहिशें पीढ़ियों पहले से

दम निकालती रही 

हज़ार हासिल भी हों ग़र तो 

लाख और बनी हैं 

तेज़ी की चाह की  इजाद है 

जो जुम्बिश हो महसूस 

अपनी रफ़्तार से चलती गाड़ी  

कहाँ पटरी से हिली है?

ज़िन्दगी कशम्कश मुसल्सल 

फिर भी  दिखती हसीं है 

जितना भी मिल जाये, लगे 

कुछ तो कमी है 

TETRIS - the game of tiles

Note: Though I wrote the below piece but unlike my other writings, this was not my thought. This is my elder brother’s wisdom that I tried to pen down as I felt the power of his message and wanted to share. Thanks bhai; hope I did justice to the awesome thoughts that you had shared with me. Read and let me know. - Nikhil

If you were a school going kid in the eighties (or even nineties) I am sure you would have played the famous game of Tetris (The Tile matching video game). Tetris after it was first introduced in mid-eighties has travelled from computers to big video game consoles in the game parlors to the home TV game consoles to early age cell phones and various other hand held devices including the present day smart phones. After many years, many versions and millions of users Tetris still stays one of the top video games of all time. ß FACT

Think of an end-less play at the game of Tetris. All you do is move the tiles rotate them, flip them move them and make them fit well in to each other. The tiles varying in sizes and shapes and the appendages they have. Some easier to fit well and some not so easy and then there are those stubborn ones that will just not agree to adjust with the others and stay in a way that they edge out one of those unyielding extremities. Leaving behind those unfilled; open spaces. The art is to fit all those tiles in their right place, and when they do, the whole line dissolves thus leaving room for more and the game continues and continues the fun.

A never ending game of Tetris; this is how our brain functions. The tiles are replaced by the thoughts. Those, thoughts which bloom out of the prolific land of situations.  Thoughts; like the tiles come in various shapes and sizes and different feels to them.

The positive thoughts usually are easy to settle and fit well with the others in perfect harmony. Thus disappearing from the screen of being soon after they are settled, leaving room for more to be created and sent to the center stage where the game is being played every day and every moment. And then there are the odd ones, usually negative; disturbing thoughts, with annoying appendages. Even at times having sharp and damaging edges. Those edges disturb the harmony and stop the entire line from being settled and also make it difficult for the future positive thoughts to stabilize. No wonder these are commonly called the unsettling thoughts.

Bring the tetris image in mind again, the tiles are falling and settling and then comes this stubborn tile with a nasty edge that stuck out and then came a bunch of good easy to fit pieces, but that nasty edge ensured that the easy ones also do not fit right and leaves an open space; a void somewhere in the middle.  If you are a weak player then you will be upset with that edge and then with the void that before you know the space above will start filling with more pieces; even the not so difficult ones just piling up and not resolving. And more it piles up the less space and less time you get to adjust the next pieces and before you know the game is over.

However for a resilient player; one with the never say die attitude. The problem with one nasty edge just stays as one isolated problem. The player becomes more vigilant; more alert even aggressive to ensure that the void is not build and even if build, it stays close to the top ensuring that the pieces coming next are smoothened while the player waits for that rare moment; that rare piece and that super move when the rare piece will be made to fit on the void reconciling what was the nasty stubborn edge in the past.

Move back to the tetris played every moment in the mind. The same rules apply. One unresolved thought can stay as one unresolved thought as long as the mind stays alert to try and isolate the one nasty edge. At the same time ensuring that all the new situations are dealt with a heightened alertness never letting the void be pushed to the bottom and other edges to raise their nasty heads. And when you are vigilant enough and stay persistent with that alertness; that magic piece; that magic moment that magic solution comes which clears the deadlock, fills the void and puts you back in the game which is enjoyable and challenging.

Having in a deadlock lately letting the space above be filled with new ugly edges that could have been resolved relatively easily; I started the day waiting for the space to be filled up and I play the victim of situation (not even knowing what was happening). And then I received the divine voice through my brother. Who just shared his Tetris vs thoughts concept with me as a thing he had been pondering on. Little did he know the power that his idea gave me; in showing me the situation that I was pulling myself in. the idea had immense power; especially when he said “when you start playing it wrong very quickly you rush to the sign saying -game Over.’’

I looked in my mind at that nasty situation edging its ugly head out and then the other not so important items that had grown into edges and voids just gaining strength from that one nasty item. And that is when I felt very close to the Game Over sign. But the good news; when you acknowledge the problem it becomes easier to resolve it. Though I have not been able to clear most of the edges and voids form past few days since this morning, but there have been no new ones that I let develop today. Now I feel confident and alert and playing with a clear mind. Those magic pieces and magic moments and magic moves are somewhere in the game to come, all I have do is to keep the game going till all those are brought upon to me.

Think and believe it or not the game of Tetris is going on in the mind, the sooner you acknowledge and start consciously playing, the higher is the chance to win. And believe me conscious play makes it so much fun.

PS: Big Brother there is a reason that you are “the Big Brother” and you give the proof of the same when you float ideas and thoughts so potent yet you state them in such matter of fact way that it is pure Zen!!!

Renewal

Renewal; such a beautiful word! This one word has the essence of life.

Renew- Make it NEW again. 

It is such a potent word and such a potent concept. The word that speaks of hope; that ascertains that things can be made NEW again, why else would have someone designed this word?

Everything that has a beginning must have an end also. The process in between; from the beginning to end is the process of aging. Also this process is what we simplistically call “Life”

Life; from the start, to be born new and continue aging till the end.

And then come the messiah; healing with the divine touch and taking the disease out. Disease that signifies aging, the corruption of the being physically and spiritually the demons of corruption are casted away and the being made new again

 – Renewal

And as Lord Krishna said in the Geeta

वासांसि जीर्णिनी विहाय नवानि गृहनती नरोप्रानि 

तथा शरीराणि विहाय जीर्नान्यन्यानी  संयाति नवानि देहि 

As we change the dirty clothes in our daily life to put on the new and clean cloths; in the same way the soul casts off the old body to get a new body

- Renewal !!

I got so engrossed in the philosophy that I totally forgot the reason I had started thinking about the word. Renewal always brings the feeling of freshness; even when it is something as small as renewal of a library card. And if it is Renewal of commitment made to self in a difficult situation some time ago; it brings back vigor to living.

Renewal; one word describing the whole cycle of New to Old to New again. One word that completes the circle.

-RENEWAL!!!

The Experiencer

“Experiencing the moment” what else is there to experience? Beauty that always is in the eye of the beholder states very boldly that experiencer is always what the experience is all about. Events, movies, news, wars, sports whatever the place is, without the experiencer's presence, it is meaningless.

I’m in this flight from Charlotte to Washington DC, experiencing the world from above the clouds. The guy sitting next to me is tapping his fingers in a very fast way on his computer keyboard, seems to be doing something important. In reality I have no clue what is he doing, but I think he is doing something important because when I am working on my computer in the same manner; it always means that I am working on something important. So I; the experiencer decides how to perceive my next seat neighbor’s activity.

I am again in the flight, Charlotte to DC. But this is a different day, a different year. The weather is extremely cold and lady sitting next to me is reading. I think she is reading some holy book; she has a serene look that in my experience can be only achieved through some spiritual reading. There must be close to a 100 people in the flight. And when a sudden air current shakes the plane, some experience fear and others feel as if they were in a roller coaster and then there are those frequent flyers who just sit calm as if they didn't even notice. This must have been just the routine.  Everyone’s past experience defines that moment for them; same situation; different experiencer so different perspective. Experiencer makes it all.

Yes; the experiencer makes it all. I can go home and tell my son that it was awfully cold weather with freezing icy/dangerous snow all around. Or I can tell that I missed them and their snow board with all the snow that was so slippery that we could have had real fun sliding down on snow. Depends upon how I experienced it and how I share my experience. The two extremes were there right in front of my eyes in the same situation. I made it good or bad based on how I chose to see it.

We only make our own World; there is no one else creating it for us.

And it is up to me the experiencer if I prefer to make a beautiful World for myself or a horrible one. I create when I experience. And I create what I experience and then I experience what I create. The Power is in Me. And it is certainly a very big thing, really great power. But like my friend Spiderman says (well he is a friend; and you are free to decide if to call it a bluff or to ask me for help in getting personally introduced to the Spiderman J), 'With great power comes great responsibility' So the experience that shapes the World around you; places you responsible for Making your World.

I want to experience a good world and so I work to make a good world.

Crossroads!!

Forget the GPS era and even the digital printable directions. Rewind to the days when travel was based on knowing and following what you are told. You reach a crossroad and you don’t remember which way to turn. The turn that can decide where you end up. Confusion, fear, frustration, hope (to find a clue) and a lot more emotions can be experienced in a time like that.

But have you ever thought that if you are on a crossroads, not sure which way to go and all of a sudden you realize that the journey is not about the destination, it is all about living the way and exploring it while you travel. And in reality there are no ‘wrong turns’ just the turns that you take and the turns that you don’t. The road doesn’t end the journey doesn’t end till you decide to stop. It goes on…. And on!

And there is one such traveler, smiling at each crossroad on the way; always making the correct choice (knowing that there is no wrong choice; just the freedom to choose). Turning where the faith takes and knowing that road is the ultimate destination. Looking at his co-travelers on the way; hoping that they know the same secret that the road shares at every turn. “The only wrong turn is the one you take while lacking the faith.”

Looking at the co-travelers, they make it even more beautiful; even more worthwhile. Remembering those who traveled along for some time before making a different turn at some cross road somewhere on the way. Thinking where their paths lead them to? Stopping at some place to rest and occasionally bumping into someone who had taken a different turn many lifes ago. Smiling knowing that those coincidences just strengthen the belief that all paths cross each other and all paths lead to a common place. A place where the bliss is in knowing that the Journey is the only real thing.

If you missed the beauty along the road while travelling just because you were thinking of the destination; then you will have to come back to travel that piece again (and again as long as you don’t see what the road had offered)

One such day, tired, doubtful, frustrated traveler; having gone through many cross roads, turning based on faith and always knowing that all turns taken were correct; still doubts and fears, what if one of those turns were wrong? So hoping that someone will hold a hand and assure that no mistake was made on the way. But that someone doesn’t exist outside of the traveler.

Close the eyes; rest the head on the pillow; let the sweet pain from the sore muscles after the travel dissolve slowly while you enter the sleep. Dream hopefully about the road that lies out for tomorrow. Know that the journey is going well. Know that all the crossroads were opportunities; none of them were a challenge.

Sleep now traveler; tomorrow will be another day. Sunny or overcast that doesn’t matter, what matters is that tomorrow will be there, a new day, showing a new path, urging to travel again, offering newer crossroads and allowing you to pick the opportunity that is destined for you!!!

...From back of my Notebook

I scribble things at the back of my notebook to keep me anchored during the storms encountered daily. Thought of sharing some of those here………..

My Problems change size and behavior based on how I see them. (My old ‘Stress’ glasses always make them look bigger and scarier)

One step at a time is still the best way to cover a thousand miles

Only limits that work for me are the ones that I decide

When I don’t decide for myself then I end up living someone else’s decision for me and I don’t always like that

When I own up to my mistakes, it becomes so much easier to get a solution

When I feel good, I look good ---- (Okay! Stop laughing, I really do)

When I am happy the weather gets better (you may say it just appears better and not actually get better, I can bet it does get better; try it yourself)

I am responsible for my behavior ALWAYS (same as anyone else; so I don’t need to be stressed by how someone else behaves)

Whatever the challenge is, I don’t lose as long as I don’t give up

Though I think I never won a lottery, but getting born into a family like mine and then getting a wife and kids like I have is no less than a hitting a jackpot

I diminish my chances to win as soon as I start to lose my temper

When you spent 15 hours days at work to circumvent a challenge, the happiness of achieving success after that however big but can never ease the guilt of missing your Son’s school play

When I don’t like someone the feeling is usually mutual

I can be as good (or as bad) at something as I really want

The faster I run in the wrong direction, quicker I get lost (but many a times the focus is expected to be on speed and not direction; and I never understand that logic)