Thats how Fear Manifests

I just posted this a few days back in hindi and then some of my friends asked me to translate. Having verbally translated for a few, I decided I will post the translation here.

This is from the tresses of time, pre-adolescent days. The memory is a bit wrinkled with age.

One day after school, as usual a few of us went to the ground to play cricket, and suddenly a friend suggested, why not ditch cricket today and pick mangoes from the trees near the cricket ground. The suggestion was accepted with no resistance and most of us started climbing the mango trees in no time.

The mangoes, that were appearing within reach when seen from the ground, seem to have moved a few branches up while climbing the tree. Just then from a dark corner of mind a fear flashed, what if I fall? The fear manifested itself as quickly as it has flashed, with my buddy on the next branch losing his grip and taking me with him on the fall. After all what are friends for.

Not sure how many bones would have cracked on falling on the firm surface, when a branch generously granted asylum to our hands, so we were hanging on the tree, both me and my buddy.

Eyes shut hard with fear, as if opening them will force open our grips too. Fear was making my heart cry, but no tears were coming out of the eyes. Was just hanging there, too afraid to speak, even more afraid to open the eyes, as someone from below suggested, “let go, you will be fine”; “don’t listen to him,” my friend yelled, “he already has a broken leg, he wants us to have the same.”

Years passed since that incident, and I could not understand till date, why I never opened my eyes.

So, what seemed like an eternity, me and my friend were hanging from that branch. Eventually, fingers started getting stiff and palms started getting blistered. I still don’t know if I left the branch at that time or if the numbing fingers let the branch go without any permission from brain.

As soon as the hands were off the branch, there was a miracle, my feet stood firm on the ground. Not sure for a moment, if I was always just a few inches above the ground or if the ground got generous and moved above when my hands let go the branch. If I had opened the eyes before, The hands could have saved the blisters. But fear never allowed to open the eyes. Hands were hurting and I was cursing myself, while laughing at the stupidity of my fearful mind. Fear manifests in many forms. Stupidity is one of those forms, that I realized on that occasion.

My friend was still hanging on the branch, if his hands were not hurting as much yet, or his fear was stronger than mine, I will never know. I sat under the shade of tree looking at my hands and waiting for my friend to let go of the branch. I could have asked him to come down, but his fear would never have let him listen to me. As I had learnt fear manifests in many forms.

Epilogue

Many times, still fear makes us hang in situations, disallowing to open the eyes and not letting the hands give up the grip.  So, till the blisters and the hurt has reached its maximum, we keep on hanging. The surface feels too far, however close it maybe. When pain forces the hands to let go, fear channels even more morbid feelings. And then mind laughs at its being naïve against the fear’s tricks. After all fear manifests in many forms. 

डर के रूप

Friends, after many weeks, I am posting this. Life had been busy to say the least, too busy to look around. Just back with a short story about fear. This story had been an almost forgotten experience, that I would like to share, as best as I can. for now it is in Hindi so sincere apologies to those who can not read hindi. I will try to translate this eventually and share. Please comment if you like and please share if you ever felt the same way as my story below.

डर के रूप !

बचपन की बात है | थोड़ी धुंदली सी याद है | 

स्कूल के बाद दोस्तों के साथ खेलने गए तो एक ने कहा, क्रिकेट छोड़ो आज आम तोड़ते हैं | फिर क्या था,  ग्राउंड के पास ही पेड़ थे और हम सब भूल के पेड़ पे चढ़ना शुरू हुए | 

आम जो जमीन से देखे तो पास लगते थे, पेड़ पे चढ़ते चढ़ते दूर होने लगे | मन डरा कि कहीं गिर न जाएँ | और डर लगते लगते ही सच हो गया, साथ की डाल पर चढ़ते दोस्त का संतुलन बिगड़ा और गिरते हुए दोस्ती निभाई, हमें भी साथ ले लिया | 

पता नहीं और कितना नीचे गिरते और कितनी हड्डी तुडवते, के एक बड़ी सी टहनी हाथ आ गयी, और हम लटक गए | हम, यानि मैं और मेरा दोस्त | 

आँख बंद किये, पेड़ की टहनी पकड़े डरे रहे और झूलते रहे ,  कहीं हाथ छूटा तो न जाने क्या होगा | डर था की अंदर से रुला रहा था, पर न रो रहे थे न ही कुछ बोल रहे थे, बस लटके थे, आँखें बंद किये | तभी कोई बोला, "हाथ छोड़ दो कुछ नहीं होगा |" और साथ में लटके दोस्त ने चेताया, "इसकी मत सुनो , यह खुद टांग तुड़वाये बैठा है, हमें भी अपने जैसा बना देगा |"

इतने साल से एक ही बात नहीं समझ आयी, कि आँख क्यों न खोली |   

मानो घंटो  लटकने के बाद, हाथ जवाब दे गए, उँगलियाँ लकड़ी हो गयी और हथेलियाँ छालों से फूलने लगी | जब हाथ ही न माने तो टहनी छूटी या छोड़ी यह कैसे कहें | 

हाथ से टहनी छूटते ही चमत्कार हुआ,जमीन अपने आप पास गयी, या शायद पहले से ही ज्यादा दूर न रही होगी | आँख खोल के देखते तो शायद हाथ के छालों से बच जाते, पर डर ने आँख ही न खोलने दी पहले | डर के कई रूप होते हैं |

हाथ के छाले दर्द भी कर रहे थे और कोस भी रहे थे, और मैं हंस रहा | डर के खेल पे | डर का एक रूप नासमझी भी है, उस दिन पहली बार पता चला | 

मेरा दोस्त अब भी टहनी से लटक रहा था, उसके हाथ के छाले अभी कच्चे थे, या उसका डर ज्यादा बड़ा था, मुझे नहीं पता | मैं बस पेड़ के नीचे बैठा मुस्कुरा रहा था, अपने हाथों को ताकता, और दोस्त के नीचे उतरने का इंतज़ार करता| और करता भी क्या, उसका डर उसे कहाँ मेरी सुनने देता था | डर के कई रूप होते है | 

उपसंहार

आज भी कई बार डर किसी जगह पे लटका देता है, और हाथ छोड़ने की हिम्मत नहीं होती, कोई कुछ भी कहे | और यूँ ही हाथ रिसने तक झूलते रहते हैं, जमीन और भी दूर लगती है, चाहे असल में कितनी भी पास हो | दर्द जब भी हाथ छुड़वाता है तो कुछ टूटने का डर साँसे रोकता है, और फिर नासमझी पे हँसता भी है | डर के कई रूप होते है | 

The Crossroads - Walk on

I closed my eyes and could see a silhouette of a man, sitting solitary on a bench, immersed in deep thought. He is neither happy, nor sad, neither enlightened, nor confused. Neither is he highly accomplished and nor derived of accomplishments. He is neither tired, nor energetic to start a fresh. So many ways he is there, neither a failure, nor a success. Living a well-off life where all bills are paid, family is well clothed and well fed, guests are cared for and some charity is possible.

I look at him and he reminds me of someone I know, someone I know rather too well. Someone who I know is standing at the crossroads of many things at the same time. And these crossroads have not been a new occurrence to him. However the stakes are higher than usual, so the hesitation is greater than usual. He knows there are no wrong turns, except the turns that you take while lacking the faith+. He knows all needed to do was to continue on with the journey. He knows the journey is always as beautiful or as comfortable or as adventurous or as boring as he wants it to be. But still the feet are pulled down by the weight of a million apprehensions. Even lifting one foot is painful and not moving is unwise.

The man on the bench looks upwards as if asking for divine guidance. The Sun is setting and the breeze is cooling the warmth of summer. A song from more than a decade ago starts playing in his mind, “You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been. A place that has to be believed, to be seen……Walk on!!”*

He thinks he has his answer. He is unsure of the consequences. He doesn’t know if he will regret the consequences of his decision, but he is certain now that he will never regret an indecision. Crossroads have presented themselves and his only responsibility is to take the turn he wants, stopping is the only action to avoid here. So just walk on….

You could have flown away, a singing bird in an open cage who will only fly; Only fly for freedom….Walk on!!!* The song continues to play. And I know the man has his answer. Whether the answer is good or bad? That will be decided somewhere in a different time and on a different turn, a different crossroad. Till then Walk on.

The Man on the bench gets up and start walking, his profile fading away in setting Sun. And I know I have the answer that my friend is looking for, and I also know I will not have to tell him as he will know it too, himself.

+   http://nuancesofbeing.blogspot.com/2013/04/crossroads.html (Referring to a post from 2013)

‘* “Walk on” a famous and incredibly inspiring song by  "U2"

Note: All pictures clicked by Nikhil Dogra

ताक़ीद

Lately I have observed most people have strong opinions. And a compelling need to defend forcefully (even violently) the opinions they hold dear. So here are few lines as a note to self, I remind myself frequently using these lines. Sharing to see if you can use a similar instruction (Takeed) 

बुरे का भला कुछ ऐसे करो 

बुरा भी भलाई से रहने लगे 

बुरे का बुरा करते करते 

कहीं खुद ही बुरे मत बन जाना 

गलत  सही के चक्कर में 

कही सही - गलत न कर देना 

कुछ अपना ही न जल जाये 

ऐसी आग भला क्यों सुलगाना?

What OWNS You?

What devices own you?

Does this appear an incorrect question? Should I have asked, what devices do you own? Actually No, I asked what I meant, what devices own you. And I am talking of the likes of phones, computer, tablets etc.

Okay let me state what made me think this way, I was travelling recently and happened to have some time to witness activity at an airport. Things have changed in last decade and I have observed it many times, but I took keener notice this time. Hundreds of people, sitting, walking running in all directions. Biggest common thing was each one was on some device, chatting, emailing, talking, searching etc.

There was this excellent picture on an advertisement, the caption said; “we ensure you stay connected” and it showed a grown up man and a pre-teens child (likely father and son) sitting at an airport facing each other, but their eyes sunk in the screens of their handhelds. I couldn’t see how that displayed being connected? I have rarely seen a father and son more disconnected than that.

We talk, but with people on the other side of line. We share jokes, but instead of telling them, we just push the phone screens around for others to read (or forward). We walk but instead of looking at signs and asking for directions the maps on handhelds are guiding us.

No don’t take me wrong, I am not against technology or development. I am all in favor of that and I am proudly associated with the telecom industry (my primary profession)for last 2 decades. But the scene that I am trying to retell, never appears like development to me. It seems more like the control from the “It” (From the book “A wrinkle in time,” and not a reference to the Information Technology).

Technology, is being continuously enhanced to make our lives easier. However I think instead of using technology we are getting consumed by it. The dependency on the devices is increasing every day. Device addiction is reaching epidemic levels (sadly not under purview of CDC). The generation that is starting their journey of being a human, kids below age of 12 are not seeing any other way to live but to refer to a device. The written word has become type written word or speech to text entries (soon to be thought to text).

I do not preach against use of technology, I'd rather promote it. Use it and use it well, but don’t get too used by it. I don’t know how to correctly pen my feelings but I will end this with a list of items that I would like me and my family to adopt. Hope that doesn’t alienate us from rest of the Human race around us.

A)  No devices to kids as a bribe to let grownups unwind

B)   No compulsive checking of Whatsapp/ facebook etc

C)   Follow Mainstream Media rather than Social media (that too limited) for current events

D)  Conversations instead of screen sharing

E)   Playing games (indoor and outdoor) instead of video games

F)   Limit screen time (for grownups too)

G)  Be the role model on exercising restraint

H)  Connect face to face, not only device to device

The list can be long. If you agree with my thoughts please share your list. Let us use the technology rather than being used by It.

Quicksand of Thought

Here is something that I originally wrote many years ago, actually a decade and half to be precise. Life has changed a lot for me from then to now, but some lessons endure the life and time changes. Sharing it with you with a hope that it will re-introduce you with something that you have known all along and heard many time.

Quick Sand of Thought

When you are in quick sand, the more you try to come out the more you are trapped in it. It swallows you faster if you are fighting to come out. A bad mood is just the same. The more you force yourself to appear normal the weirder gets. Mind rules the bad mood and makes it worse every moment. It can be felt very easily. Accept the moment and detach from the mind, and see. Most of the times the bad feeling will not go. But it will be managed better. The quick sand will be there but it wont swallow you faster and then when you are still in the quick sand, you might see the end of the rope which is tied to the near by tree and someone left it there just for people like you. Or when you are still you might recollect an old technique to come out of quick sand, which you learned in a martial art book in past life. Or even a miracle may happen and the giant bird will come from nowhere to swoop you out and drop you near the oasis. I know most of this appears like a fairy tale, but first of all miracles do happen, and secondly when you are in the quick sand of thought, the chance of this miracle is 100%. Because you are the master of that universe. The sand is created by your mind, the trap is created by your mind and it is your own mind telling you that you are being pulled down and will eventually be crushed and perish in it.  Most of us are able to detach ourselves from the mind at this juncture, but those few who fail at this point, are those who may end up doing something stupid.

Situations can be tough at times. And the perception can make them even tougher. Life situations are the stimuli that the mind reacts to that. Most of us have noticed that during the times of ambiguity, we start thinking bad thoughts. One spouse is not back home in time and not picking phone mostly the other fears an accident. The simple reasons like excess work, traffic jam, flat tire, drained phone battery etc won’t ever be on the top of the mind. Mind can not have those things in its list as mind has to play the game and a simple reason will not give mind any room to play. Sadly however strong one appears from outside, the mind still can be a pessimist in parts. The only way around is detach from mind.

I, and my mind are not the same. My thoughts does not mean the same as I. My thoughts are just a part of me, so are my dreams, my ideas, my relations with people and my behavior. I identify myself with anyone of these and I am in for trouble. Refrain to state “___ because that is how I am” more you say this, easier it becomes to believe this lie. Don't mean to suggest lacking consistency. Just to avoid stereo typing one self. Identifying oneself with any of the above causes confusion. It is just like having two hands with five fingers in each, but tying all with a string except thumb and index finger of dominant. Now how hurting that can be? And how foolish too?

Idea is to have instantaneous joy or sorrow but not build an account to carry it forward. When you detach from the mind, you will accept and enjoy the praise when you get it. You will accept and feel bad to be neglected or denounced. But only when that happens. Those moments are lived and when the moment is over it is over. The present moment is what we live always, neither past not future and that is all one needs to learn. On a self-analysis one may find that most troubles are manifested by mind wandering in past or future.

The quicksand will not bother you much during 'NOW'. Because ‘now’ is the oasis, there is no quicksand in here. The quicksand is just when you are jumping between past and future. The right way is from past to future is through the present. The present that lives, the present that is the only paved road. Past is a good teacher and future is a good motivator, but both should work towards a better NOW. That is the only right way.

One don’t have to wait to say no to mind only when it pushes to limits. ‘No’ can be said a lot before that. Just accept the feeling and stay present. If you want to learn from past, just think about a few very good things and a few very bad things that happened to you. Then tell yourself that all those things good or bad are over and now is here. The journey between ups and downs, triumphs and failures, joy and sorrow, that’s what life is. The reality is that nothings stays past its time. Every event comes and goes. When things are bad, stop thinking and sinking; just tell yourself, “It will pass, just like other things did” You don’t have to go crazy in quicksand. The quicksand of thought just needs one miracle that only you can perform. Just stay calm and tell yourself, “It will pass, no matter what.” Rest assured, that is how it will be; that is how it has been since the time. It always pass, no matter what. Just be calm and perform the miracle, “Hocus Pocus bad thoughts go away, No time for you, I have a busy day” this is what you may chant. I tried it and it feels so silly, silly enough to compel you think of a better line. That thought to a better line can be the miracle needed to be out of the quicksand. No harm trying.

My 6 year old always asks during any journey (long or short) “Papa, Are we there?” and I always reply, “No! We are never there, we are always here.” And the whole family laughs. I hope one day both my kids will know what I meant by that and use it during their personal journeys to avoid stepping into any quicksand.

कोई रहनुमा न था

Sharing my new poem, wrote it multiple weeks ago, and thought of posting. One of those rare times when I try to add some urdu words to my hindi flow. Knowing more than one language and not being a master on any is a blessing in it self . Will  be back soon with a more regular post


कोई रहनुमा न था 

चल तो रहे थे पर वहां रास्ता न था 

पूछने को भी तो कोई रहनुमा न था 

मंज़िल कहीं पे होगी  एक उम्मीद थी मगर 

किस ओर चले सोचने का हौसला न था 

पाँव के निशां से आबाद तो था सहरा 

मीलों तक मगर वहां कोई कारवां न था 

टूटी हुई कश्ती को भी हम कोसते मगर 

तूफ़ान में उसके सिवा कोई आशना न था 

शाम जाम कहकहे दोस्तों की महफ़िल 

बहाने थे बहलाने को, जशन का असल कोई फलसफा न था 

चल तो रहे थे पर वहां रास्ता न था 

पूछने को भी तो कोई रहनुमा न था 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Some meanings 

रहनुमा    Guide

आशना    Friend

फलसफा  Philosophy/ reason

सहरा       Desert

Note: Pictures clicked using Kodak MFT in feb 2017