Recently a very close friend of mine had a big decision to
make in his life. And while discussing some things, the discussion zeroed down
to one term; by far the most important virtue for a successful relation;
Fidelity. We discussed and debated; Right and wrong, Good and Bad. And more we
try to untangle this term the more we got tangled in it and then I said…
Fidelity is a very Personal Thing.
The definitions and boundaries are set individually.
Society, family, culture and other such things do impact setting of those
definitions and boundaries to some extent but not enough to make a sizeable
impact to what one’s mind wants to set them at. And it is all fine as long as
those definitions are set, boundaries drawn and one stays within. Over stepping
occasionally and then coming back is seen as a victory rather than a fallacy.
All is good to that level. The challenge starts when you
have people around you. Friends, family and above all your spouse. Boyfriend-
Girlfriend, Live in partners or Married couples; one thing that they speak of
is mutual trust and unfortunately fidelity is the measure of that trust. You
may ask why that is a problem? Think about it; you have drawn your own
boundaries and your partner has his or her own. There will be lines covering
common areas; there will be lines crossing to cover a little here or there and
then there will be lines that cover total uncharted territory for the other. It
can go well into a domain very comfortably for one but the same domain for the
other can be a big taboo as how the partner’s boundaries are drawn. Also there
are situations when one partner redraws the boundaries to better match with
other partner and they move along happily.
Have you ever witnessed a situation; when years down the
line both reach the place where one has redrawn the line? The one who had
redrawn stands well within the limits; proudly thinking and hoping that the
partner for whom the boundary was redrawn would be feeling proud. But then the
partner form whose sake the boundary was redrawn is easily, comfortably
venturing out and enjoying it too? Not only that the same partner who had asked
for that redrawing fails to remember that the other partner had drawn those
boundaries purely in the name mutual respect. While that partner who has
redrawn those boundaries; and is witnessing this from the other side with
disbelief and even pain; is also getting blamed for being overly orthodox and
exceedingly naive. A simple statement at
that time like; “this is how things should be, I don’t understand why you
behave like this. Why can’t you see it as a normal thing like I do, like
everyone else does?” appears no less than a death sentence. It is a death
sentence as those boundaries define you as you are scratching them is like
killing a part of you. Also it is always difficult to redraw an already redrawn
boundary.
But no one is wrong here; no one to be blamed. Orthodox or
open, faithful or infidel all these are very subjective. All these definitions
are very personal. And so is the joy and the pain associated with them. All one
can do is look at the situation and look at other things around it and see if
it is worth moving on or it needs moving away and whatever that decision is
just implement and go on. Pain and wounds heal with time and tending. Scars
never leave, though they fade, if you give them enough undisturbed time.
Fidelity stays an extremely personal thing. So when you find
someone whose boundaries are drawn similar to yours just stick with that
person, and consider yourself lucky. Make sure that you walk together enough
and you talk frequently enough so that if there is any redrawing needed that gets
the same environment, as after that it is all what your mind decides.
After all Fidelity is a very Personal Thing.
Yesterday when it snowed so heavy, and I started shoveling; the
same Driveway stretched to become very long; almost endless. It sure has a mind
of its own and it tries to test me with such acts…. And may be the road
conspired with it by moving farther than usual. 