REWIND IT?

They say when someone is tired, beyond a limit, physically, mentally or both; one tends to hallucinate.But I don’t; no I never do. 

I have been tired in all possible ways many times in life. Tired to an extent when each pore of the body aches and each nerve of the brain wants to give up. Rest doesn’t seem to be anywhere in sight. I have been in those moments more than once. Actually way more than once. And I never hallucinate. I have rather been very alert. So alert that I even remembered the names of all the angels and creatures I had met during times like that.

Like just 2 night backs; I was turning in my bed. It was late at night. I had a few weeks challenging life situation. Stayed away from the family and worked more than 20 hours a day on different priorities. It can very well exhaust a person. To add to this was jet lag having traveled to the other side of the globe. Now I returned home after that just to be greeted by a severe infection (Some co passenger passed it to me very generously without even letting me know)

So I was tired, sick and down with very high fever that night and not able to sleep. Looking outside the window; the light from the street lamp struggling with the curtain to get inside the warmth of the room. And the insensitive curtain unsuccessfully trying to stop it in frigid outdoors. While all that was playing I could see it. It appeared just some smoke as if a stray cloud has lost its way and came down to peek through the window.

In just a matter of seconds the frail cloud turned into a figure, almost a person with an aura around its body. And instead of being outside the window it was very much inside the room. And it spoke, without speaking and I could listen; without hearing.

Lately you have been thinking a lot about the past triumphs and the past mistakes. What all you did well and what all you could have done better. And your guardian angel sitting in the court above, got very moved by that thinking and negotiated a chance for you. The voice in my head continued. This is an extremely rare chance. Nothing to lose. You get to live your life again Everything can be same still better as you will know the mistakes you made last time and this time you can avoid them. All those wrong turns, you can avoid taking them knowing the consequences beforehand. Though the figure in front of me had a cloud like smoky appearance with no clear features, but I could see a faint smile on the face, again in my mind.

The smile continued as the words; only thing that this big opportunity demands from you is your affirmation. Remember when God decided on free will for the humans; it was clear that all the choices will be made by individuals. I knew freewill concept very well; it has been spoken as freewill, as theory or cause and effect, as what you reap is what you sow and in one word Karma.

Karma; I thought and my unwell, tired face loosened up. I could feel a smile building on my lips. I could see a million moments from my life passing in front of my eyes that I had made a mistake, taken a wrong turn.

Before I could even know, I heard a voice “NO” and that was me, saying No to the opportunity presented to me.

NO? Really? this is rarest of the rare chances, the voice in the mind reminded me. Still my answer is NO I replied, as someday I have told myself that, “There are no wrong turns, only the turns you take and the turns you don’t" #

I am what I am, based on the choices I made. I will be what I will be based on the choices I will make. And I have made a choice not to rewind my life. Even if I do, I will re-live all those mistakes. Journey of life is not a pursuit for perfection it is rather celebrating the imperfections one faces and doing the best with them. My mistakes have been my integral part, part of my being so no rewind for me. Forced to a rewind I will repeat all of those all over again.

In a fraction of a moment, the figure was gone, I didn’t even see it go or even fade away, just gone. In my mind I think I saw a faint smile before it left. It was for such a short period, that I am not sure if it was smile of appreciation or sarcasm or pity. But I may not care as even if it was a mistake to say No, it was my mistake, like the millions others that I have made throughout the journey of life. Mistakes that broke me and rebuilt me and mistakes that just made me what I am today.

See I told you I never Hallucinate. If I were; would I remember any of this and would any of this had made any sense? :)

# From the blogpost dated Apr 2013 http://nuancesofbeing.blogspot.com/2013/04/crossroads.html
NOTE: realized it after posting...this is my Century ...100 posts so far...Thanks for reading

Full Circle

“I am not doing this, because you can do it yourself. Come now take the soap and wash your hands, all by yourself. No; I am not going to help; I know you can do it.” I heard the voice from inside a public rest room at a highway gas station. There was a long line outside the rest room as it was occupied for a long time.

Must be someone one with a little child inside; I thought. Some people in the line showed annoyance at hearing that. I would have felt the same way if I didn’t have 2 little boys of my own. Still when there is a line outside and you have been in already for longer than usual; that is not the best time to teach discipline. But as a rule I will reserve making an opinion about the man inside till I see the whole thing (for instance the age and behavior of the child.) 

A few minutes later the man walked out with an apologetic grin on his face. “Sorry; he is very slow at this age and I don’t want to rush him.” He said; turning his head back in the bathroom while extending a hand inside and helped an old man with walking support step out very slowly. “He is 104 years old” the man continued, “and as much as I want to help him, I know letting him do his own things will keep him more active.” I looked at them as they walked slowly towards the small sandwich shop inside the gas station. 

I looked at my 5 year old whom I have to help in bathrooms and at times have similar conversations. So the man I saw was a good son or Son of an excellent dad who instilled such good character in his child that even above 60 years age is still strong. A good family. I looked at my kids and hoped, one day; they will hold on to the values that I and their mother try to teach.

Thanks, unknown father and son; I don’t know your name, but seeing you at the start of my trip made my whole journey pleasant. As long as there are families like you; there is hope in the world. Thanks for displaying that role reversal with such grace and honesty that it showed the full circle of life in that one moment.