THE RACE IS ON ... and everyone is running!!!

The Race is on and everyone is running. The race is to run; they think in the end they will win. But there is no end; no victory; just the race and just the loss. They run with more zeal and more madness; more strength than their bodies or mind could even support and feel that they are winning. Soon enough they realize that they are still way behind and there are other racers ahead of them they want to win still. They put in more effort, ripping every muscle fiber in the body and every nerve cell along with it and at times every moral value that was a beacon some time ago. And finally they collapse or lose path and feel like being left alone. Or are too shattered to do anything and end up. End up in hospitals, asylums, the psychologists chair, the bar stool with a heavy dose of alcohol in the hand, at the bottom of their emotional well being and occasionally at the top of the debris of their shattered life and broken relations.
Still they all run.
I am one of them. Running; in this race to doom; and I want to stop; want not to run and I am scared. What if I stop? Would everyone else just run to a different plane? Would I be left here all alone? Would I be holding back my family with me? I don’t want to hold them back; I want them to progress; but if they run with the others would I be able to live all alone? And I shiver at these thoughts. It is so depressing to run in this race knowing the fact that no one has ever won and no one will ever win this; it is mad race to nowhere still the fear is not letting me stop. The way at times appears beautiful and I want to stop and contemplate the beauty. But Stop; I cannot.  The blisters in the soles of the soul keep on getting worse with every milestone passed. When would this end? Where will I stop?
Sidhartha (Buddha) stopped one day and reached the end. The heavens opened the gates for him and Gods showered flowers on him for just being able to stop in the middle of the madness. But he left his family; his beautiful wife and his young son in his decision to stop. He left it all. I don’t think that as a solution. Not for me at least. I don’t want to be detached and I don’t want to stop being ambitious, I just want to stop being crazy and stop racing on the endless path. I want to read the poetry in the greens of the trees and see the beauty in the Breeze that touches my face. And more than anything else I want to experience every moment of my son’s growth. Any moment I look at him; I am mesmerized by what I see and that makes me stop for a while; and the next moment I am upset with myself because I could have used the same moment to race more and gather more for his future.
I don’t know if I am giving him a good today and I convince myself that this is because I want to prepare for his good tomorrow. I am sad at this fact. Even sadder at the fact that one day he may be running the same race with same endless aim; and may be more confused than I am. Wonder if he will curse me then or pity me; either way I am not happy at what I see.
Am I better than someone else; someone has a better stock portfolio than me, someone is more intelligent, someone has a higher degree, someone is more street smart, someone has a nicer house a better car, better gadgets, knows more about the real estate trends, cares less about his work, has the privilege to take longer vacations  may be he saved tons of money in his past job, is more relaxed than I am, has better responsibilities than me, is more stressed, can handle more stress and the list goes on.  Crazy comparisons; race against each other it seems; but in reality; it is a race against a self image. I am what I see myself as. I might be a loser; if my mind tells me that I am one. No one wants to be a loser, hey but who can stop the mind from thinking negative (or positive, or anything)?
I am trying to see it; this is the “bigger and smaller” game I play with my son at times. If I am bigger than you; that means you are smaller than me. 4 is bigger than 3 which in turn is bigger than 2 and so on. When I see someone as bigger; I am not upset with him or her being bigger; I am upset with my being smaller. The question is am I really smaller? May be not may be that is how my mind is telling; so would it help to think that I am not smaller. Well in the short term; it may. The fact still remains that the mind is playing the “bigger and smaller” game.  The game has to end for the mind to rest and be free. But the few fortunate ones can actually end it.
(“A few fortunate ones” this statement itself is a lame attempt, to justify my dilemma as my being not so fortunate)
As I am feeling sad for the situation and making amends and trying to stop being a part of this race, another fact is revealed; the race has multiple features; many dimensions and many tracks. Mostly when I am assuming that I am off the race; even for a short duration: I am actually in a different race; again running and it takes some time for me to understand and acknowledge it. Race to feel more relaxed that I really am; or rather more relaxed than everyone in the room. Race to know better “cool-off” techniques. I have talked about yoga many a times or about natural remedies to common diseases; I can hear myself at times saying those things to appear smarter. At times when one decides not to be in the race;  the race to appear different; non-runner starts and one is attempting to not only win it but also hoping that others will join after he or she has taken many steps towards the end. The end; that is never there.
While I am writing this all of a sudden a line flashed in my mind; the title of a famous story; “how much land does a man need?” The question is still the same and so is the answer. But still from cradle to the casket we keep on running. Many of us don’t live at all. We are just born and pushed in the race. The race to learn to walk before the other kids our age. The race to start talking; knowing your alphabets, knowing your numbers and colors and shapes and eating the right food, making the “right” choices and reading the right books, and going to the right school, picking the right courses and the right summer vacation activities, getting admission in the right college and landing in the right job. The right is defined very democratically; Right is what the majority are doing or what the majority are expected to do.
Race them rats and see who wins.
Family, friends, so called well-wishers, media and everything else pushes everyone all the time to join the Race and to win. Be the top Dog or the top Rat; I may say. But all these are there and all these will be there always. The final choice is personal.
The final choice indeed is personal; “TO RUN OR NOT TO RUN” that is the question. And no one needs to hear your answer; it is just a decision to be made internally and to be followed internally. I keep on telling myself that even if you win the Rat race; you still are a Rat. (my apologies to all Rodents for this comment, but we humans assume the rodents not to be friendly creatures hence the statement. I am still friends with Mickey the mouse, Jerry from "tom and Jerry"  Remy from Ratatouille and ofcourse the singing chipmunks).
The challenge is if I will succeed in leaving a legacy of the Non-runner for my kids or will I be pushing them to join the race. It is about me and them; about us and the next generation and the next and the next….
Hope next time you will see me relaxed; not running and be at peace with that situation; and still progressing.
However in the end the question still remains “how much land does a man need?” and I am sure the answer didn’t change over years!!!!!

PARK

Beautiful, That is the word that comes to my mind when I step in this park. It’s a collage, a collage of life. You can see all the phases and all the stages of life in this small piece of land. And then like in a collage there are the main pictures based on the main theme and there are small fillers, the beautifiers, hinting towards the same theme and adding to the beauty of the collage. The fillers here are the flowers and the trees, the grass which is so green and so full of life. The flowers; so pretty and so fragrant. The trees so tall and old and so shady. The squirrels so active and naughty. And the rail road which passes on the other side of the park and this brick paved road on this side. These two give it all an old European town kind a look. These are also the two fillers. And then there is the main theme, Life. Human life all over the place.

Look at that little kid in a stroller, dressed in pink. Color of her cheeks matches the color of her dress. Her smile and her innocence is the source where the flowers took their lessons from. She, the innocence personified is sitting there silently teaching all those who want to learn.

Those four kids between the ages of 4 and 6 are the dreams of days to come. Look at the agility they have. Look at the charm and the beauty that radiates from them. They are naughty and they are so active. I don’t know if they learnt something from the squirrels or the squirrels learnt something from them. Lets go closer and listen to what all they are talking about. Can you hear them, they are so imaginative. I am sure Newton and Einstein were none other than those people who managed to keep the kid in them alive. They were those who didn’t let this childhood imagination die while they were growing up.

Funny is the way in which that little girl in the flowery dress is following the butterfly. She is not interested in catching it. She just wants to be like the butterfly, flying from one flower to another. She is chasing the butterfly and taking her lessons from it. I am sure one day she will fly.

And look at that bunch of college kids sitting in that corner. They are in the stage between growing ups and grown ups. All in late teens or early twenties, touching hands while exchanging books, and exchanging smiles and exchanging looks. They have certain promise in their eyes. The dreams are still there, but less imaginative and more bent towards the “Logic”.

Today there is a big event in the open lawn of the chapel next door. This lawn is though attached to the big park but as the land rules apply, it is a part of the Church property. And there these two beautiful people are getting married there. All the guests and the God, dressed as nature and various entities, are the witness to the promises these two people are making for their life together. The whole event looks somewhat divine, may be the natural vicinity and some what obvious presence of the hidden (yet omni present) God is making it divine.

And then look at those young couples, some holding hands with each other and others holding grudges against each other, walking on the brick paved path in the middle of the park. You can see the fear in some eyes here, and promise in others. Strange mix of love and hate in some and a very few with indifference. Some have a big question hidden in their heart, but that is showing on their faces too, “will we be able to make it all the way?”

And there are the proud parents of those kids. Parents with pride and hope in their eyes. The imagination of their children every now and then is amusing them and some times embarrassing them too. But most of them are proud and happy and hopeful yet afraid. Go closer to them and you can hear their hearts murmuring, “God make my baby the best.” And so there you can see the pride and jealousy, the age-old friend of pride.

And on the benches you see a few executives in their business suits, with the ties loose around their necks. There are some waiters and other workers too, in their work cloths. All of them seem to be tired. And all of them has the same thing written on their faces, “ Just a little more and I can make it happen. But I am tired and hope for a miracle.” May be for some the miracle is just around the corner, waiting there and for others it is a little farther.

The other class of people here, the old people. Mostly they have one word mentioned on them, in bold fonts, “Accomplishment” A job well done for years, raised good children, had a successful marriage that stayed till now in-spite of all ups and downs, and will stay till the end. Have lived so far, Accomplishment!!! A job, a relation, parenthood, happiness, lived a life and still lively, lived with grace through good and bad times, promises fulfilled, Accomplishments!!!!! They are perhaps tired, yet content. The journey that started with the innocence, dreams and imagination as a kid, went through joy and fears, promises, love, hate and envy and pride and a lot more has reached to this stage, the stage of Accomplishment. A bag full of accomplishments is what they carry.

I am so immersed in the scene; it is so alive in front of my eyes. I have never seen a collage so full of life. And now the train is passing on the tracks on other side of the park. The kids are waiving to the train. Parents watching the kids. Few college students sneaking a special touch or a kiss while others are busy watching the train. The young newly wed couple looks at the train and the kids and think of their own childhood, which was just yesterday. The old ones looking at the train remember so many stories. They smile but won’t share the stories with anyone. They look at their partner and wink.

All so pretty, all so alive, all so beautiful. My tea is about to finish and the lady at the counter of the café is staring at me. May be because I am sitting here for quite some time now. I will get a double shot of espresso, with a little cream on the top. That will be my tribute to another filler in this collage, The Café. And to yet another filler, Me!!