Nuances of Being

ANGEL

2012-01-16T13:53:00.000-08:00

I looked at his face and he smiled. A bond was established with that one smile. He must have been just a few months old and that is all I know about him. I don’t know his name and I am not sure if angels do have any names. I don’t know his religion and again I don’t know what religion angels follow. I know that he is God’s own creation, an angel and that is all what I can tell about his family. You don’t talk to strangers in mall when they are passing by even if they are carrying an angel in their lap. The social norms don’t advocate such actions. But the society of angels has very simple rules and very simple rituals. They Smile if they feel good, they cry when they feel bad. They scream when not fed or when not dry. They laugh and giggle whenever they want. And above all they are happy most of the times and they don’t keep grudges. They don’t cry for past and they never anticipate future. They just display an emotion for what is there in the present.

There is a story in Indian subcontinent about two saints. When these two saints met each other they didn’t speak, they just looked at each other for hours. They kept on looking towards each other and that was it, People were surprised that how could these two communicate without talking, without uttering even a single word. Some say that they communicated telepathically and some say that their brains were in sync. I think that these two being enlightened two people had nothing to talk about. We generally talk to discover or to share the discovery. When one understands the ultimate truth then there is no need for any communication. So these kinds of people communicate with the normal people. With the people, who need to learn something. The people who need to know the truth.

The communication is like water flowing from one height to another; but with same height between the two points; the water just stays connected throughout and doesn’t flow. Or may be an enlightened person is like a mirror, reflecting the light. You go to that person with a question and he will reflect back an answer to you. I read a small Zen poet’s verse.

“When asked he answered

No Question no answer

Then the master must not have

Any thing in his mind”

This is how enlightened souls are. They don’t speak without reason. “When asked he answered.” They keep quite otherwise “No question no answer:” They don’t keep any past memories or any future plans or any thing, they don’t dwell on ideas, they don’t keep grudges, they don’t even teach without asking. Their mind is empty. They practically convert themselves into mirrors. Reflecting what ever they see or what ever is incident on them. They have the knowledge and they don’t hold on to it. Because they know that it is eternal and omnipresent. The truth of the moment is always there and is always changing and is always available for any one who wants it. So they don’t hold it at all. The truth is the light and they are the reflectors; reflecting that truth to the seekers when ever asked for. So these two saints didn’t speak because when you place two mirrors in from of each other you don’t see any image.

With all this I know I am a lot deviated from my little angel who gave me a divine smile in the mall. But the discussion was important as the angels are like these saints. They are pure. They are mirrors. They live in the moment. They reflect the light. They don’t hold any grudge, they don’t remember the past and they don’t plan for the future. They truly live in the moment.

We all are born angels. And the process that we call as growing up is nothing but the process of corruption of soul. We keep on depositing sooth and dust on the mirror which we all are born with. Most of the religions believe that innocence of a child is Godly and children are closer to God. The babies descend from heaven and are delivered to humans on earth. At that time the angelic infancy is alive which starts getting corrupted. The politics, various faiths, racism, money, fear, ego, lust and so many other entities contribute towards the corruption of the souls. This corruption is nothing but moving away from God. Ego is the reason. But those days of infancy are the days when the wings and halo is clearly visible to loving eyes.

I moved away, thinking about that angelic smile. Thinking about the new angel in town. Thinking about the fresh one from the heaven. And there was some thing so godly in that smile that I could feel some dust getting shed off from my mirror. I could feel the appearance of a cleaner image. I smiled. Closed my eyes thought about the little angel once again and I could not help but smile. I was standing there smiling. My heart was floating as if I am in air. May be a little light can start moving one closer to the unadulterated self again and thus one feels lighter and floats in ether. I saw the old couple looking at me from a distance. May be they were my age when I was in the age of the little angel. I sent a smile targeted towards them and bowed my head a bit. They smiled back. May be some dust was shed off from their mirrors to. I was feeling much happier and much lighter as I moved back.

The whole mall seems to be happier than before. May be the little angel has done the miracle. I was happy and I was greeting everyone who was passing by. Most of them smiled back. It was smile revolution in making here. I moved out in the parking lot and as I was turning keys in my car door, I heard a giggle. There was him, the little angel in his mother’s lap again. He looked at me and giggled. The angel was happy. Another Giggle; congratulating me on my success. I laughed, bowed my head and whispered, “Little angel, please count me in; I am ready for my innocence to be revived, I am ready to follow your lead O little angel. I am ready to start the smile chain. I am ready for the dirt to be removed and to become the mirror again. Can you please send my message to your community?” He giggled as if he was telling me that they are counting me in.

Grateful

2012-01-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

New year; 2012 just started a few days back. 1^st of January was spent by us in a very good way. All of us woke up a little later than the usual in the morning. We all started the day in a relaxed mode. I had finished all critical office work on 31^st to ensure that nothing from work comes in to jeopardize the day. All we wanted (though none of us had said it out loud) was to go through the day very slowly, like savoring every moment of the 1^st day of the New Year. Late at night while we were retiring to bed; I looked at my wife and she said; “so the 1^st day of the new year was as hoped. Right?” and I couldn’t disagree even a bit.

Nothing big, just a simple slow day; warm showers, nice breakfast, lunch at a laid back restaurant followed by a trip to the Temple thanking God for a nice last year and praying for an even better New Year. Returned home after a small drive. Then we played with the two little princes of our kingdom, our sons. Had some nice home cooked dinner and watched some comedy shows on television, laughed heartily before getting to bed. Thank God for a beautiful life and all the comforts; that was the only thought when I closed my eyes to sleep.

Late at night I felt colder than usual and didn’t know what was happening. Woke up in the morning and realized that it was so far the coldest night of the season with mercury dipping a few degrees below freezing and in that coldest night of the season; the heating system had decided to give away.

WHAT? NO!!!! How can such a perfect start be ruined in less than 24 hours, it never happened in the past, nothing of this sort actually. The house had been almost problem-free ever since we moved in almost 3 years ago.

It’s all right ….. She moves in mysterious ways… (somehow these lines from the song play themselves in my mind in such situations always) She sure does. And that’s the beauty of life.

Never take things for granted, a side of my mind was trying to tell me. This had not been the perfect start of the year that we thought it to be. The same side continued. Things can get better for a while but then it will be same old, some challenge to upset you. Don’t you think it is a small problem; nothing to fret about? The other side tried to argue. Well you enjoyed the small happiness yesterday so why ignoring this problem as a small one; you always have a knack for finding vastness in the little facts of daily life; isn’t this right? The sorry side of the mind continued. And also don’t forget; this heater could have given away any time of the year, but the day it picked is the 1^st day of what is predicted to be the coldest week of the season. And that was very true.

Finally I dragged the tool bag with me; without even taking a shower or breakfast; to the attic where the furnace for the upper level is placed and started opening the furnace to see what might have gone wrong. It took almost 3 hours in the frigid attic to somewhat understand what was working in the whole system. Still I was far from finding the problem and even farther from fixing it. My whole body getting numb from the cold temperature and also due to lack of getting even a single morsel in my stomach since dinner last night and it was already almost 1 PM. So I climbed down from the attic; sad and upset. The best start of the year had turned in to a bad 2^nd day, rather very bad 2^nd day.

Now think of me sad, upset, hungry and very cold coming down from the attic where the sudden fall of temperature had the worst effect. The moment I stepped in to the bed room that had felt way too cold at the beginning of the day; suddenly appeared much warmer. No the room was not warmer than it had been 3 hours ago when I went to attic; it was rather a few degrees colder; but I felt it much warmer as the attic must have been around 10 degrees lower than the rooms below. That was a good enough chance for the other side of the mind to show its face again. The Sunshine seeker side, I mean. And honestly I do have a Sunshine Seeker hidden in me; mostly hidden way down there in some lower basement under a million truck load of every day challenges, but just like Sunshine; it at times shows up even from way below. And that was one of those rare moments; so the Sunshine seeker side started saying. You see it is just a perception; things are good and can be better or worse or how you want them to be.

Then one after the other the positives of the moment started surfacing on its own. Our house has two separate heating and cooling units so in spite of the failure; we had one big area of the house that will be kept warm by the other unit and that was a big positive. And also we had a small space heater; small but big enough to keep our middle size bedroom warm in the night. And I can easily buy a few more similar heaters to help us till the furnace is fixed. So I went after a quick meal and bought another space heater. The problem was not solved completely but we had a workaround and a very good workaround.

After I came back from the store; I started again with the Furnace unit and by a few rounds of elimination steps; realized that there was a bad igniter causing the problem. So one after the other the solutions were surfacing by themselves. When one has positive thoughts the whole life turns positive.

Now the easier part started; finding the igniter and after a few websites; we found the right model. Order placed and everything done. Well here comes another surprise; one of my friends at work found out about my predicament and that I have ordered a part online for a quick delivery and also that it would cost me more for the shipping charges than the part itself. He went in and ordered the same thing for me using his privileged status with the seller and the shipping cost was reduced to less than 10% of the original. And the happiness of living among such caring friends was really invaluable. After a wait of two days later the igniter was delivered to our house today. Now opened the Furnace and replaced the Igniter and the Heating system came to life. Problem solved. And not only that it was so good have this problem to start with.

It was good because I realized that how fortunate we all are to have warm homes and a family to love and care for. I realized that how a little bit of sunshine can remove the darkness from the even most remote corners of the mind. I realized that how easy it was to fix the problem when I started thinking in the right direction. I realized how our mind controls the environment around us. I realized how small we are when we think small and how our mind can blow up the smallest things into huge problems. I realized that how good it was to have friends who help when you need and who care even for the small things and thoroughly participate with you to surmount your challenges.

And I realized that tomorrow is going to be much warmer than last few days, now that the heater is fixed I didn’t mind bit more or cold weather; but the cold is receding at least for next couple of days. Right when the heater is fixed. So I realized God is winking and smiling because this had been a small practical joke but really a good one. So I smile back and wink and look around. I have so many things to be grateful for and so many things that I take for granted. I hope as long as I can understand his lessons and his jokes I will have these privileges. So now that it is late at night; soon I will go to my bed, kiss my two little Princes, say good night to my loving wife and then sleep in the warm room. Some experiences are worth relishing and some things worth taking for Granted.

THE RACE IS ON ... and everyone is running!!!

2011-12-29T14:41:00.000-08:00

The Race is on and everyone is running. The race is to run; they think in the end they will win. But there is no end; no victory; just the race and just the loss. They run with more zeal and more madness; more strength than their bodies or mind could even support and feel that they are winning. Soon enough they realize that they are still way behind and there are other racers ahead of them they want to win still. They put in more effort, ripping every muscle fiber in the body and every nerve cell along with it and at times every moral value that was a beacon some time ago. And finally they collapse or lose path and feel like being left alone. Or are too shattered to do anything and end up. End up in hospitals, asylums, the psychologists chair, the bar stool with a heavy dose of alcohol in the hand, at the bottom of their emotional well being and occasionally at the top of the debris of their shattered life and broken relations.
Still they all run.
I am one of them. Running; in this race to doom; and I want to stop; want not to run and I am scared. What if I stop? Would everyone else just run to a different plane? Would I be left here all alone? Would I be holding back my family with me? I don’t want to hold them back; I want them to progress; but if they run with the others would I be able to live all alone? And I shiver at these thoughts. It is so depressing to run in this race knowing the fact that no one has ever won and no one will ever win this; it is mad race to nowhere still the fear is not letting me stop. The way at times appears beautiful and I want to stop and contemplate the beauty. But Stop; I cannot. The blisters in the soles of the soul keep on getting worse with every milestone passed. When would this end? Where will I stop?
Sidhartha (Buddha) stopped one day and reached the end. The heavens opened the gates for him and Gods showered flowers on him for just being able to stop in the middle of the madness. But he left his family; his beautiful wife and his young son in his decision to stop. He left it all. I don’t think that as a solution. Not for me at least. I don’t want to be detached and I don’t want to stop being ambitious, I just want to stop being crazy and stop racing on the endless path. I want to read the poetry in the greens of the trees and see the beauty in the Breeze that touches my face. And more than anything else I want to experience every moment of my son’s growth. Any moment I look at him; I am mesmerized by what I see and that makes me stop for a while; and the next moment I am upset with myself because I could have used the same moment to race more and gather more for his future.
I don’t know if I am giving him a good today and I convince myself that this is because I want to prepare for his good tomorrow. I am sad at this fact. Even sadder at the fact that one day he may be running the same race with same endless aim; and may be more confused than I am. Wonder if he will curse me then or pity me; either way I am not happy at what I see.
Am I better than someone else; someone has a better stock portfolio than me, someone is more intelligent, someone has a higher degree, someone is more street smart, someone has a nicer house a better car, better gadgets, knows more about the real estate trends, cares less about his work, has the privilege to take longer vacations may be he saved tons of money in his past job, is more relaxed than I am, has better responsibilities than me, is more stressed, can handle more stress and the list goes on. Crazy comparisons; race against each other it seems; but in reality; it is a race against a self image. I am what I see myself as. I might be a loser; if my mind tells me that I am one. No one wants to be a loser, hey but who can stop the mind from thinking negative (or positive, or anything)?
I am trying to see it; this is the “bigger and smaller” game I play with my son at times. If I am bigger than you; that means you are smaller than me. 4 is bigger than 3 which in turn is bigger than 2 and so on. When I see someone as bigger; I am not upset with him or her being bigger; I am upset with my being smaller. The question is am I really smaller? May be not may be that is how my mind is telling; so would it help to think that I am not smaller. Well in the short term; it may. The fact still remains that the mind is playing the “bigger and smaller” game. The game has to end for the mind to rest and be free. But the few fortunate ones can actually end it.
(“A few fortunate ones” this statement itself is a lame attempt, to justify my dilemma as my being not so fortunate)
As I am feeling sad for the situation and making amends and trying to stop being a part of this race, another fact is revealed; the race has multiple features; many dimensions and many tracks. Mostly when I am assuming that I am off the race; even for a short duration: I am actually in a different race; again running and it takes some time for me to understand and acknowledge it. Race to feel more relaxed that I really am; or rather more relaxed than everyone in the room. Race to know better “cool-off” techniques. I have talked about yoga many a times or about natural remedies to common diseases; I can hear myself at times saying those things to appear smarter. At times when one decides not to be in the race; the race to appear different; non-runner starts and one is attempting to not only win it but also hoping that others will join after he or she has taken many steps towards the end. The end; that is never there.
While I am writing this all of a sudden a line flashed in my mind; the title of a famous story; “how much land does a man need?” The question is still the same and so is the answer. But still from cradle to the casket we keep on running. Many of us don’t live at all. We are just born and pushed in the race. The race to learn to walk before the other kids our age. The race to start talking; knowing your alphabets, knowing your numbers and colors and shapes and eating the right food, making the “right” choices and reading the right books, and going to the right school, picking the right courses and the right summer vacation activities, getting admission in the right college and landing in the right job. The right is defined very democratically; Right is what the majority are doing or what the majority are expected to do.
Race them rats and see who wins.
Family, friends, so called well-wishers, media and everything else pushes everyone all the time to join the Race and to win. Be the top Dog or the top Rat; I may say. But all these are there and all these will be there always. The final choice is personal.
The final choice indeed is personal; “TO RUN OR NOT TO RUN” that is the question. And no one needs to hear your answer; it is just a decision to be made internally and to be followed internally. I keep on telling myself that even if you win the Rat race; you still are a Rat. (my apologies to all Rodents for this comment, but we humans assume the rodents not to be friendly creatures hence the statement. I am still friends with Mickey the mouse, Jerry from "tom and Jerry" Remy from Ratatouille and ofcourse the singing chipmunks).
The challenge is if I will succeed in leaving a legacy of the Non-runner for my kids or will I be pushing them to join the race. It is about me and them; about us and the next generation and the next and the next….
Hope next time you will see me relaxed; not running and be at peace with that situation; and still progressing.
However in the end the question still remains “how much land does a man need?” and I am sure the answer didn’t change over years!!!!!

PARK

2011-12-29T14:10:00.000-08:00

Beautiful, That is the word that comes to my mind when I step in this park. It’s a collage, a collage of life. You can see all the phases and all the stages of life in this small piece of land. And then like in a collage there are the main pictures based on the main theme and there are small fillers, the beautifiers, hinting towards the same theme and adding to the beauty of the collage. The fillers here are the flowers and the trees, the grass which is so green and so full of life. The flowers; so pretty and so fragrant. The trees so tall and old and so shady. The squirrels so active and naughty. And the rail road which passes on the other side of the park and this brick paved road on this side. These two give it all an old European town kind a look. These are also the two fillers. And then there is the main theme, Life. Human life all over the place.

Look at that little kid in a stroller, dressed in pink. Color of her cheeks matches the color of her dress. Her smile and her innocence is the source where the flowers took their lessons from. She, the innocence personified is sitting there silently teaching all those who want to learn.

Those four kids between the ages of 4 and 6 are the dreams of days to come. Look at the agility they have. Look at the charm and the beauty that radiates from them. They are naughty and they are so active. I don’t know if they learnt something from the squirrels or the squirrels learnt something from them. Lets go closer and listen to what all they are talking about. Can you hear them, they are so imaginative. I am sure Newton and Einstein were none other than those people who managed to keep the kid in them alive. They were those who didn’t let this childhood imagination die while they were growing up.

Funny is the way in which that little girl in the flowery dress is following the butterfly. She is not interested in catching it. She just wants to be like the butterfly, flying from one flower to another. She is chasing the butterfly and taking her lessons from it. I am sure one day she will fly.

And look at that bunch of college kids sitting in that corner. They are in the stage between growing ups and grown ups. All in late teens or early twenties, touching hands while exchanging books, and exchanging smiles and exchanging looks. They have certain promise in their eyes. The dreams are still there, but less imaginative and more bent towards the “Logic”.

Today there is a big event in the open lawn of the chapel next door. This lawn is though attached to the big park but as the land rules apply, it is a part of the Church property. And there these two beautiful people are getting married there. All the guests and the God, dressed as nature and various entities, are the witness to the promises these two people are making for their life together. The whole event looks somewhat divine, may be the natural vicinity and some what obvious presence of the hidden (yet omni present) God is making it divine.

And then look at those young couples, some holding hands with each other and others holding grudges against each other, walking on the brick paved path in the middle of the park. You can see the fear in some eyes here, and promise in others. Strange mix of love and hate in some and a very few with indifference. Some have a big question hidden in their heart, but that is showing on their faces too, “will we be able to make it all the way?”

And there are the proud parents of those kids. Parents with pride and hope in their eyes. The imagination of their children every now and then is amusing them and some times embarrassing them too. But most of them are proud and happy and hopeful yet afraid. Go closer to them and you can hear their hearts murmuring, “God make my baby the best.” And so there you can see the pride and jealousy, the age-old friend of pride.

And on the benches you see a few executives in their business suits, with the ties loose around their necks. There are some waiters and other workers too, in their work cloths. All of them seem to be tired. And all of them has the same thing written on their faces, “ Just a little more and I can make it happen. But I am tired and hope for a miracle.” May be for some the miracle is just around the corner, waiting there and for others it is a little farther.

The other class of people here, the old people. Mostly they have one word mentioned on them, in bold fonts, “Accomplishment” A job well done for years, raised good children, had a successful marriage that stayed till now in-spite of all ups and downs, and will stay till the end. Have lived so far, Accomplishment!!! A job, a relation, parenthood, happiness, lived a life and still lively, lived with grace through good and bad times, promises fulfilled, Accomplishments!!!!! They are perhaps tired, yet content. The journey that started with the innocence, dreams and imagination as a kid, went through joy and fears, promises, love, hate and envy and pride and a lot more has reached to this stage, the stage of Accomplishment. A bag full of accomplishments is what they carry.

I am so immersed in the scene; it is so alive in front of my eyes. I have never seen a collage so full of life. And now the train is passing on the tracks on other side of the park. The kids are waiving to the train. Parents watching the kids. Few college students sneaking a special touch or a kiss while others are busy watching the train. The young newly wed couple looks at the train and the kids and think of their own childhood, which was just yesterday. The old ones looking at the train remember so many stories. They smile but won’t share the stories with anyone. They look at their partner and wink.

All so pretty, all so alive, all so beautiful. My tea is about to finish and the lady at the counter of the café is staring at me. May be because I am sitting here for quite some time now. I will get a double shot of espresso, with a little cream on the top. That will be my tribute to another filler in this collage, The Café. And to yet another filler, Me!!